woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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