wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
