so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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