Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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