the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
