She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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