Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
