you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
