just survived the first fart of the relationship.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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