I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
