I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Green mimosas i think yes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
