Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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