Define "chronic" masturbator.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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