Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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