There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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