Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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