Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
