oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
