Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
