I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
