Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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