tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
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Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
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the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall