I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
