the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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