Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
