Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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