so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
