Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
