i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
