YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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