i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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