I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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