YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
