Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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