I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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