just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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