You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
