I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
