Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
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will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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