god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
