So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
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They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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