she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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