Soap is not a condiment
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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