Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
