dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
