I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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