I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
