I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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