After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
