Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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