now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
