My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
