the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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